Sexy Shopping Advice-How to Buy Lingerie

How to Buy Lingerie for the Special Someone in your Life.

In the spirit of the holiday season, I have put together a helpful guideline to buying lingerie for a a  SO for a holiday gift.  Assume that you are going to spend decent money for decent quality lingerie, and answer me a few questions.  (I’m using she as a pronoun for the recipient).

Is your relationship with this person appropriate to buy lingerie?

  • If no, go buy her something else.
  • If yes, continue to the next question.

Why are you buying Lingerie?

  • I want her to look sexy.– Stop and think.  Are you buying for yourself or her?  If you are buying for yourself, go buy something else.
  • She would like lingerie. -go ahead.
What does she actually like?

  • I don’t know-Well go to her drawers and check what she likes to wear.
  • She likes this fabric and this style.-Keep shopping.
Is the lingerie you’re looking at appropriate?

  • Of course-she’ll love it. Romantic suggestions include chemises, boxers and baby dolls.  
  • Pamela Anderson wore something similar and she’ll look just as hot-put it back and buy a different gift.  You’re buying for yourself.

Do you know her sizes? 

  • Yes.  About your size!-Go back and get the numerical sizes.
  • Yes-she wears a 42DD bra, and a size sixteen pants.  Continue.

What areas would she like to emphasize or de-emphasize?

  • I don’t know-buy a nightgown or a robe.
  • She’d like to hide her stomach-go find the nearest salesperson.

Check the fabric.  Is it comfortable or itchy?

  • Comfortable-good she’ll probably wear it.
  • It’s lacy and kind of itchy, but it looks sexy.-She’ll wear it to please you once or twice and then never wear it again.  Put it back and buy something in cotton or silk.

Ask the salesperson for advice.  Give them your budget and information about your SO’s preferences.  

Get gift receipts.  
Purchase and wrap.  Open in an appropriate location.  In front of his or her parents is not an appropriate location.  But you knew that.

I’m really hoping to hear more from Joe, of LankyJoe who is a male feminist blogger. His writing is good, and he understands the correct use of the word “misandry.” I’m in love.


The other day, while walking home from work, a man on the street made some unsolicited comments to a woman with whom I shared the sidewalk, comments that included, “Baby you look good! You got sexy feet!” The woman kept walking, paying the man no attention. Years ago, I would have thought that this was a harmless compliment, but the person I am now realized that this constituted harassment. Did I say anything to the man about it? No. Mostly I didn’t want to potentially start a fight with a stranger on the street. The point is, I did nothing.

That episode was not the motivating factor for starting this blog. I’ve been meaning to address what I perceived to be a scarcity of pro-feminist blog material written by men for a while now, and had intended to call my contribution “No Man’s Land”. I thought that both the literal reading…

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Let’s Talk about Guns

Within the past week, there have been two mass shootings.  The last one killed elementary school students.  Children, too young to defend themselves.  Children, who still are trying to learn their times tables.

It’s time to talk about guns.  There have been fourteen shootings in the past year.  14 mass shootings in a year.  And yet, it is never time to talk about guns.

And yet, we hear how more guns would solve the problem.  So in addition to being psychologists, parents, specialists, doctors, nurses, and friends, teachers are now supposed to be body guards.

I’ve been a teacher’s assistant in an elementary school classroom.  I have had to comfort crying eight year olds, correct spelling, stop children from eating crayons, and mediated countless fights.  I’ve also had students charge at me because they were angry at the world, and I happened to be standing in the doorway.  I’ve been jumped on, tugged, hugged, and had my hair braided.  With so many children in such close proximity, the thought of wearing a gun is absolutely terrifying to me.  The risks of one of my students jumping at me and accidentally discharging the gun is too easy to imagine.  I’ve seen students go through the teacher’s desk when they’re upset, so it’s not like keeping the gun in the desk would be any safer.

I can’t imagine why anyone who honestly thinks that bringing guns into emotional situations with children will keep them safe.

So let’s get over this notion that more guns are the solution, and start looking at evaluating mental health, gun access, and balancing the need for protection against invasive governments with the desire to keep the public safe.

If anyone has any good information on the shootings, leave the information in the comments.

Ask Men-Gifts for Women

As part of my holiday countdown, I’m looking at suggested gifts for women.  This is from Ask Men’s most Romantic Gifts for Her, which, although heteronoramtive, actually has some decent ideas.   It also makes me weep for the state of humanity, because, as you shall see, it assumes that the its readers are remarkably stupid.
  1. Membership to an of the month club-cool.  I’d like one of those.
  2. Cashmere sweater in neutral colors and neutral cut.-AskMen, I’m impressed.
  3. Lingerie-Tricky, tricky tricky.  Also, make sure that you’re buying this for her and not for you.  I wrote a companion piece on how to shop for lingerie for your SO.
  4. Something inscribed with something romantic-If your significant other is into that sort of stuff.
  5. Something engraved-symbolizing commitment.  I’m not analyzing the gift that much, but it is truly a lovely gift.
  6. Show tickets (to something that she’d like)-that had to be said?  Gifts are for the person who’s name is on them.  Not the giver.
  7. Something vintage-could be romantic.  If they like stuff.
  8. Scrapbook: no.  I don’t want stuff.
  9. Weekend Getaway: “Women love surprises and women love weekend getaways.”  Hopefully you’re not springing this on her on Friday afternoon.  Women love surprises and weekend getaways, Surprise honey!
  10. Jewelry-the old tried and true.  In all honesty, I don’t know if I want jewelry, especially expensive jewelry that isn’t my style and I’d feel guilty for never wearing.

Unfortunately, the authors assume their readers are idiots, and give such helpful advice including the radical idea that if she doesn’t have pierced ears, you shouldn’t buy her earrings.  Ask Men sagely continues, saying “Check to see what kind of jewelry she owns and wears, and buy something similar.”  Ask Men explained a few simple concepts “All women love jewelry, but not all women love all jewelry.”  Switch the first all women to “many women,” and you’re getting there.  But this is an Ask Men article that doesn’t treat women as monolithic entities, so cookies for them.

So, if you choose not to do gifts this holiday season, you don’t have to worry about this.  But for those who do and need some help, here’s a woman’s take on some men’s advice.

Words to Ignore

Have I mentioned how much I love Rosie of Make Me a Sammich?  Last week, I reblogged one of Rosie’s posts about   how to change behavior in a social setting.

This post is also fabulous; it reminds you that you can be an ally, an activist.  These words are silencing mechanisms, not actual criticisms of what you’re saying.  This post was intended for women and feminists especially, but there are many other brands of activism that are silenced by shaming words.

Words that other readers suggested include

  • Sexist
  • Intolerant
  • Misandrist
  • You’re taking this too personally!
  • Slut/Whore
  • Whiny
  • Any diminutive word for women, (Princess, pet, love)
  • Typical
  • White Knighting

Non-gendered silencing words include

  • Bleeding heart liberal
  • White guilt
  • Stereotypical
  • Reverse Racism
  • Virgin
  • Neckbeard
  • Naiive
  • Loser
  • Do-gooder

Are there any other words that are used as silencing mechanisms rather than attempts to discuss problems?

List the ones you’ve heard in the comments.

Reader Roundup

  • I know I’m late to get on the Kasandra Perkins story, but here goes. Jessica Valenti wrote a great piece on the media coverage of the death of Kasandra Perkins.  Valenti then goes on to discuss Kasandra’s death in terms of domestic violence, a subject which is near and dear to my heart
  • In politics, Harry Reid disparages the GOP’s ability to negotiate the fiscal cliff, when they can’t negotiate a basic bill on disability rights.  
  • Meanwhile, in other sad news, a two year old boy in Las Vegas was severely injured in foster care.
  • In the US, guns don’t kill people.  People kill people.  Until a seven year old tries to buckle himself in and accidentally triggers the gun.
  • EDIT: I wrote this too soon.  Someone brought an AK47 into a shopping mall and killed two Christmas shoppers.  Cue responses for “this is why more people need guns.”  Clearly, we need to talk about guns.
  • The Guardian wrote an article on women’s efforts in Kenya to protect themselves from rape.
  • Across the pond, the body shaming of the now pregnant Duchess of Cambridge begins.  This article suggests that she is perfectly healthy being pregnant, and acknowledges the social pressures women feel to look good, and then ends with diet advice.   Sigh.
  • Meanwhile, a British teenager was arrested for threatening and verbally harassing a gay couple in public.  Yay, progress?
  • Somewhere that I don’t feel like linking to, on Fox news, Suzanne Venker is still advocating that we surrender to our femininity.  On the plus side, Fox news is not allowed to broadcast in Canada anymore.

Any other links I’m missing?  Feel free to share them in the comments.

Awful Assumptions-Feminists have it Too Good to Complain?

Muslim Women

Muslim Women (Photo credit: Jarek Jarosz)

Don’t assume that abuse to women only happens in “less enlightened” countries.

First of all, that’s really offensive, and second of all, it’s not true.

Sara writes about her experiences with abuse in the United States.  It’s just as real as female genial mutilation, and no less wrong.  Feminists are excellent multi-taskers who work on ending abuse everywhere.  Saying that because others have it worse, we shouldn’t be working on issues that affect us close to home is a derailing technique.