Talking To A Brick Wall (Photo credit: Joriel “Joz” Jimenez)
I have a classmate who has a tendency to say stuff that is really offensive. Once he told the story of when he came to the United States, he expected brilliant professors, gold roads, and beautiful women. According to him, these things only exist in movies about the USA. (He then ended up sandwiched between the author and her roommate, for the rest of the car ride. My roommate asked slyly, “Shame about that lack of beautiful women, eh?” His face got ashen and we just laughed to ourselves, as he quickly backpedaled. Needless to say, he isn’t known for his deft cultural sensitivity. I had long since figured that he would never understand feminism.
Fast forward to a year later, and I have been telling him off every time that he used the word “rape” to describe exams, schedules, video-games and non-legitimate rape. After the third time I called on him, he asked why it mattered to me. And as I talked about rape culture, one in four, the twelve percent of men who inadvertently rape, he just sat and listened.
He said, “I had no idea that it was like that. I never thought about it that way before.” And he stopped using the word. Sometimes, those that we believed to be opposed to us are merely ignorant. They can be taught. Keep going, because you may not have made an impact the first, second, or even third time. The good ones can eventually be taught.
Related articles
- Action Alert: Strike Out Rape Culture, NYC! (sherights.com)
- Rape Culture Sammich 1.0 (makemeasammich.org)
- Of Slut Shaming, Rape Culture and SlutWalk (fromawhispertoaroar.wordpress.com)
- GIRL ARMY!!! Cranks It Up 10 Notches (lineout.thestranger.com)
- A Fan Letter to Certain Conservative Politicians (whatever.scalzi.com)
- A follow-up on complementarianism and rape culture (sarahoverthemoon.com)
I love this story! And I seriously needed some happy today. Thanks!
Reblogged this on Make Me a Sammich and commented:
Sometimes, if you’re persistent, you get through.
“Ignorance is curable; stupidity is forever,” ~Robert Heinlein.
This. A thousand times this.
Then again, sometimes it really IS hitting one’s head against the proverbial wall. Or “teaching a pig to sing-it wastes your time and annoys the pig”. (Which I was surprised to learn was Heinlein, too.) I think the key to sanity is knowing which is which.
I find a lot of my male friends have trouble putting themselves in a woman’s shoes, particularly on topics like “etiquette for men at night.” Thank goodness for the ones who listen.
Try this: Kate Harding’s piece, Schrodinger’s Rapist. It’s actually addressed to the men, and breaks down rape by the numbers. Best of luck! I’m trying, one guy at a time. So any advice is always welcome.
http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger’s-rapist-or-a-guy’s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
WordPress won’t let me respond to your comment directly, but that’s exactly the article I was thinking of! Here’s another good one: http://thegrandnarrative.com/2012/09/13/korea-street-harassment-men/
By the way, I came here by way of Rosie/Make Me a Sammich. Your blog looks great!
So great that you got through to him!
It’s true, we have a way of using words that have an expressive feeling behind it, without the definition being truly understood. I think it’s all in how you approach the situation so the other person doesn’t feel attacked or belittled. Surprisingly, men are more sensitive to this than we think. And women tend to react with such frustration that the conversation turns into an attack. Apparently, you are already aware of this fine line. Thanks for bringing more awareness to the fact that people don’t always mean what they say.
[...] know that I can change minds, one rant at a time, but it is so difficult sometimes. The lack of compassion shown by the people I trusted as allies [...]
[...] that he had no idea that it mattered. [...]